Pam Ann speaks the truth. That’s because she’s the crankiest flight attendant ever, including the ones we’ve bitch-slapped at 30,000 feet for throwing ‘tude our way. We caught up with Caroline Reid’s hilarious, irreverent, completely inappropriate alter ego between peanut service and the in-flight movie to chat about the current state of the travel industry. And a little about her upcoming NYC show.
Are you a fan of the new full-body scanning equipment or do you prefer the more personal pat-down?
I love the thought of someone looking at me naked through the full-body scanning equipment. That turns me on, but personally I love a good old-fashioned inappropriate TSA pat-down and finger through JFK!
Now that Osama’s been killed, has some of the excitement been taken out of your job?
Oh, trust me, there’s always someone younger and hungrier coming out of a compound in Afghanistan. The thrill is who is the next Osama? [laughs] They should have Al-Qaeda IDOL! Find the new OSAMA!
What do you think of the new convertible aircraft like Southwest’s ceiling that tore open mid-flight?
They are great for Southwest because you don’t want to have to listen to those whining passengers. It just gets a bit too noisy at 37,000 feet. I can’t hear myself think. It’s tricky serving coffee and tea! So I won’t be placing any orders [for one] soon.
We saw your post on Facebook of the new volcanic ash cloud. Pretty impressive. Are the passengers easier to deal with when they’re frightened?
Of course, a fearful passenger is the most fun to play with. We play all sorts of games with them. One of my favorites is to look like we are scared in the jump seat as we take off, then scream really loudly as we get into the air. Always works. Another is to look at another crew member on board and discuss a note you pretended to find in the restroom reading ‘There is a BOMB on board.’ Another – and my all time favorite – is to get your most Arabic looking passenger, put a scarf on their head and tell them to run down the aisle with a Mosque clock in hand counting down 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, then scream ‘kidding!’ Scares the fark out of everyone.
What airlines are pissing you off the most these days? Feel free to name names.
Any low cost carrier, particularly Ryan Air in the UK. They don’t even have wheels or wings. They are now chucking their planes like javelins to save money on fuel. I even think the cabin crew is starting to pilot the aircrafts, as well, to save money.
We got a lot of hate mail for a story we wrote on old, cranky flight attendants. How do you cope with negativity?
Seriously, United Airlines cabin crew are so old they are ghosts. And as for ‘Valerie’ from American Airlines, she is 105 and still flying today. AA is still evacuating the AA plane that skidded off the runway in Kingston, Jamaica two years ago. The Jamaicans are getting so frustrated as they want to use the plane to make steel drums!
Everyone has an opinion and you are always going to offend someone. If you don’t then you aren’t doing a good job. I quite like winding people up for a laugh. People can take things so seriously. YAWN!
If Richard Branson offered you a position on his first Virgin Galactic passenger flight, would you accept?
FARK yea! I actually wrote to Virgin Galactic to book a seat. They already have 400 people booked all paying $20,000 deposit, the ticket to space costs $200,000. It will take them at least five years to get all those people up, so it may be years before people go. Richard Branson is so smart; he is earning interest on all those deposits. Pan Am sold tickets to the moon in the ‘60s and they never went! If Richard offered me a seat, I am there with my space suit on.
So, an iPhone App? We’re pretty impressed. Any other Pam Ann merchandise we can look out for?
I am so excited about the i-APP, we are currently working on doing more destinations, available soon on iTunes. I am working on producing Pam Ann Airline bags, T-shirts, Lily Glasses and lots more. I will have a Pam Ann Merch online shop soon.
Are you sad that Oprah has quit her daytime talk show?
Thank god she has gone (for a minute anyway). I was sick of all the goodbye shows, and why was Katie Holmes there? WHY! Oprah isn’t going anywhere, she just wanted to get the fark out of that contract and start her own show up on her OWN network! [laughs] I would love to see Oprah shitfaced and doing a line! [laughs harder]
Finally, what can people expect from your show at Joe’s Pub next week?
To be honest, I have no idea. All I know so far is that I am super excited about Dondre, my Puerto Rican rapper bf who is opening my show with a Pam Ann rap, ‘Getem bitch.’
Will there be gays in the audience?
The gays created Pam Ann so me thinks it will be full of gays. I think the gays buy tickets to my shows because they know how many hot gays will be in the audience. I am like the human Grindr.
PAM ANN – ‘Air Scare’
June 2, 3, 4, 8, 9, 2011
425 Lafayette Street, New York
Tickets & info at www.joespub.com