National 12.31.2009

Go Ahead, Pick Our Pockets

In 2010, we resolve to put our fingers to better use

The pace that technology breakthroughs occur is growing faster than Lisa Rinna's lips. Luckily, we can ride one of the swells right now (with protection, of course!) thanks to the new iWallet.

Boasting unprecedented security measures never before seen near our midsections, the iWallet only lets those who pass a strict fingerprint scan open it to reveal its contents. We could be lazy bottoms and make jokes about our reputation that we'll reveal our contents to any finger, despite it's print, but surely you've already read that on stalls 2 and 3 at The Hidden Door, The Eagle, Splash and a few others we don't care to mention.

Still, though the fancy-nancy fingerprint scanner allows our private goods to feel more protected than the cup Daddy asked us to wear to Folsom, if a shady bitch following our gorgeous behinds (we couldn't blame them) ever experiences a case of the sticky fingers, iWallet will go one step further to ensure that's what ours remains ours: after being synced with a simple smart phone application, once the iWallet is separated by more than 15 – 30 feet from the rightful owner's mobile, a loud, annoying alarm, not unlike Fran Drescher, will sound off, alerting owner's to the possible theft.

The futuristic technology that'll keep our maxed out AmEx and our fake I.D.'s (fake because they say we're 10 years younger...) within only our specific fingerprinted grasp is mind-boggling and all, but the sleek and sexy carbon fiber and kevlar material used to construct it have us sold – that and the fact that the thin, flat case doesn't distract from our butts when in the back pocket and actually accentuates our package when in the front...

$299 - $600
www.iwalletusa.com

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